fear of not living up to expectations


I sit in my room, on a bright Sunday afternoon. The clouds outside are suggestive of rain, but something tells me that they just might be empty threats, & in a funny way, that sorta mirrors the way I feel inside on this day,…..(hell,….dats how I feel anytime I am alone). Hmm,….come to think of it,….maybe that’s why I crave having “someone”, to keep me from thinking about my fears & inadequacies.

Well, ……. on this day, those fears face me dead in the face, staring hard & deep into my eyes, & it wont look away. I shut my eyes,…..but my mind goes hay-wire, painting all sorts of ugly pictures for me. I open my eyes instantly; else these horrors consume me, @ least with my eyes open I could be distracted by other things, but then again, am I being guilty of the same crime I’m writing about? Am I running away from facts again?

I take a grip of my mind,….hold it by the scruff of the neck & bellow out loud: “you’re not going to take over me!!!!!” , but if it’s got a face, am sure there’ll be a wry smile on it’s face right now, & it’ll say something like: “of cos I am, & you know it”.

On this day, I’m scared of failing. I’m scared I might not be able to do anything right. I’m scared my life is imploding right in front of me as a result of my impatience & selfishness. I’m scared the people who said I couldn’t do it, were right afterall. I used to work in a place where I was a project lead, earning a decent pay, but had no job satisfaction. The easiest thing to do was stay back & bear it all,…..& at the end of the month, collect my pay check. It was the option most people would take, but I am not most people, my heart wasn’t in the job anymore, & I felt that was quite unfair to all parties involved: my boss, the customers & most importantly, myself. I resigned. I started my own gig,…..trying to give myself a chance to do the 1000 & 1 other things I knew I was good @. Starting my own interior design company was one, contacted my cousins & relations I knew might be able to help with contacts, they promised “this & that”……but gradually, they each started to fail, & as they turn their backs on me,…..my fear heightens,…..i thought I had it planned,….but now this is real life,…..& everything is crumbling right in front of me. I fret, I fear, I doubt……….

[TO BE CONTINUED……..]

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